Guys walking around with big, vicious-looking dogs in public have become quite common these days, or so I’ve noticed. In fact, I was on the promenade the other day and lost count of the number of guys walking their pit bulls and Dobermans.
I’m not talking about your regular afternoon dog-walker here. I’m talking about a whole new breed - the kind of guy who’s a bit of a funky monkey. You know, pink streaks in his hair, sequinned jeans and designer takkies, looking slightly uncomfortable holding the leash because he’s not really a dog person. In short, I’m talking about the kind of guy for whom the dog is an accessory; kind of like how Paris Hilton carries that runt of a dog around in her handbag.
Now, obviously, these guys have somehow come to the conclusion that walking these mean doggies, gets them noticed and makes them look cool - or else they wouldn’t be doing it in the first place.
It’s like they’re saying, “Hey look at me and my big vicious dog. I’m a bad ass just like him.”
It’s an interesting trend that represents a sharp departure from the days when practicality and companionship were the motivations for getting a dog. I guess to some extent the kind of dog a person chooses talks directly to their personality. But today it seems the dog you choose is reflective of the kind of image you want to display. In other words, people are starting to choose dogs the way they choose their cars.
Most of these new “accessory dog” owner guys go for the aggressive breeds, like pit bulls. Mainly because pit bulls are the bad boys of the dog world, and the owners themselves want to be seen as “gangsta”, which in theory is supposed to pull chicks.
Other manly dogs include the boerboel, common among Free State farmers - who are just about the toughest men around - and Border collies, which are often bred by their Aussie counterparts.
Go for the collie if you want to come across as rugged. You might even consider a Siberian husky, which you can pass off to girls as a wolf.
You could also go the complete opposite direction. My good friend and former male exotic dancing legend Willie Visagie carries around a Maltese poodle. “The cherries can like the small cute dog. It are making the cherries come to you,” Willie once told me.
In fact, the small, cute dog angle is used daily by thousands of guys around the world to pick up women. It’s almost as common as the baby in the pram angle.
Of course, carrying around a Maltese poodle could backfire and you could come across as a little feminine - not great if you’re playing straight.
The bottom line is this: the kind of dog you choose says a lot about your image.
So careful choice is imperative. But if dogs aren’t your thing, here are some other cool manly pet choices.
Parrots:
Pirates, who are the rock stars of the sea and embody everything that it is manly (fighting, womanising and more fighting), always have parrots perched on their shoulders. African Grey parrots are particularly awesome because you can teach them to swear.
Tarantulas:
These hairy bastards are the bad boys of the insect world. Okay, fine, they’re not exactly insects, but you know what I’m getting at. They’re mean-looking and can fight things twice their size - then eat them afterwards. Getting one of these will end any speculation that you’re a poofter.
Snakes:
I hate snakes, but there is no doubt that they make cool manly pets. It doesn’t matter which one you get either - they’re equally hideous and manly. Obviously, the longer it is the more impressive.
The best part is that you tell your ignorant friends that your harmless snake is highly poisonous and then casually handle it in front of them.
Getting a snake also gives you an excuse to ask a girl, “Hey, want to see my python?”
Tigers:
They’re very difficult to get hold of, but if you do manage to acquire one illegally through a dodgy Russian circus employee, they’re well worth the jail term you’ll serve when the authorities find out. Let’s face it, there is nothing more manly than a tiger - and if you get a baby one you’ll pull more chicks than Tiger Woods.
Sharks:
Everyone wishes they could have a Great White as a pet, but it’s just not possible - cleaning up the poo-poo is apparently too much of a hassle.
So go for a small shark, like one of those pygmy ones that can fit in a fish tank - a really big fish tank. And when there’s a pool party you can get giggles out of throwing him into the pool and watching people lose their minds.
Roosters:
A bit of an odd entry into this list, you might say, but the fact of the matter is that roosters are both practical and fun. They’ll get you up in the morning and can make you a lot of money on the cock fighting circuit if you train them well enough. Roosters also have mullets, which are cool in a weird eighties way. Mullets, fighting and gambling - now that’s manly.
FIVE BORING PETS
Rabbits: All they do is eat grass and crap in the garden. Occasionally they’ll hump. But mostly, they crap.
Hamsters: Sure, they’re cute, but how many times can you watch them on that wheel?
Tortoises: Every tried playing catch with a tortoise? It takes him three years to get the ball.
Goldfish: ’Nuf said.
Ants: Yes, people actually keep ants as pets. I suppose the thrill is in coming up with 3 000 original names. - Sunday Tribune