How childhood conditioning affects women’s leadership success
|Published
Shireen Motara
As women increasingly take on leadership roles, it's crucial to acknowledge the often-overlooked obstacles that hinder their progress. Beyond systemic barriers, women leaders often face an even more insidious challenge: their own self-doubt. Women in leadership positions often face a unique challenge: self-sabotage.
This isn't a conscious choice, but a complex interplay of deeply ingrained survival strategies and systemic biases that can have profound consequences for their health, wellbeing and career progression.
Systemic discrimination against women perpetuates these patterns. Gender bias in the workplace, unequal pay and scarce leadership opportunities reinforce feelings of inadequacy. Women leaders may feel pressured to conform to traditional feminine norms, suppressing their assertiveness and authenticity.
Research shows that women are more likely to experience imposter syndrome, questioning their abilities and feeling like frauds. This phenomenon stems from childhood survival strategies, developed in response to societal expectations and gender stereotypes. Women are socialised to prioritise others' needs, be nurturing and avoid conflict. While these traits are valuable, they can also foster self-doubt and undermine confidence.
As a coach ( and based on my lived experience), I have found that this is the most profound challenge almost all women face. The tragedy here is that it creates a cycle of self blame which further exacerbates self-doubt and questioning of self-worth.
The Roots of Self-Sabotage
To be able to address the root cause of self-sabotage, it is important to understand where it starts. The way in which we see ourselves is grounded in our earlier life experiences - good or bad. There may be one (or two) pivotal experiences that affect us so deeply in childhood that we develop a coping or survival strategy to protect ourselves or to “relive” the good feeling of that experience. When women leaders internalise these experiences, they may find themselves:
Overcommitting and overworking: Taking on excessive responsibilities to prove their worth.
Fear of failure: Avoiding challenges and risks to maintain a perfect image.
People-pleasing: Prioritising the needs of others over their own.
Imposter syndrome: Doubting their abilities and achievements.
– Using perfectionism as a tactic to prove your worth / value.
– Missing out on career progression opportunities because self-doubt leads to hesitation, undervaluing of self and shying away from leadership or other prominent roles.
Examples of how childhood experience informs our coping strategies may include:
– Having a critical parent that criticised you all the time.
– Having a parent or caregiver “favour” your sibling and you feel excluded.
– Being bullied as a child.
– Wanting to relive the positive experience of positive feedback from a parent / caregiver /teacher.
The Impact of Systemic Discrimination
Systemic discrimination against women further exacerbates these challenges. In childhood this shows up through the context we grow up in. This could include cultural values; community norms; and general societal views of the role of women and girls. Women leaders often face biases, stereotypes, and microaggressions that can erode their self-confidence and fuel self-doubt (they are already struggling with).
The general expectations that women need to prove why they deserve leadership positions places an unfair and unjust burden on them - and they often need to work so much harder than men to receive recognition. This state of affairs can lead to:
Increased stress and anxiety: Constant vigilance against bias and discrimination can take a significant toll on mental health.
Burnout: The relentless pursuit of perfection and the need to constantly prove yourself can lead to exhaustion and burnout. I find this is almost all my coaching clients. They suffer the double burden of lack of confidence in themselves, and the burden of the expectations of others.
Physical health problems: Chronic stress and anxiety can manifest in physical symptoms such as headaches, digestive issues, and weakened immune systems. I can attest to this and I navigate various chronic health issues. Many women live with chronic health issues such as high cholesterol, underactive thyroid, diabetes, hypertension.
Breaking the Cycle
To overcome self-sabotage and thrive as leaders, women must:
Recognise the patterns: Identify the specific behaviours that are holding you back. More importantly, understanding where it comes from; and how it no longer serves you.
Challenge self-limiting beliefs: This is a big ask and requires a consistent practice of being present to your thoughts and how they influence your behaviour and actions. These self-limiting beliefs are often stories we tell ourselves that may be grounded in our survival strategy or our inner critic (critical adult voice from childhood). To counter this, write down the facts related to this situation and examine it against your story. Doing this often will help you to assess a situation on fact rather than perception.
Set boundaries: Setting boundaries are an essential tool in your wellbeing kit that is the foundation of living well. The best way to counteract self-doubt is to care for yourself so you can care for others. Pleasing people is exhausting and never has a good outcome. Clear boundaries and the communication of these boundaries can have the biggest positive impact on your life. Saying no does not make you a bad person, it makes you a woman who recognises that her own wellbeing is fundamental to her ability to do everything else in her life.
Practice self-compassion: We live in a society that expects women to be super-human all the time. This, with our own “self-sabotage strategies”, makes us so hard on ourselves that positive affirmation from others is viewed with scepticism. Practicing self-compassion is a concrete way of countering the unrealistic expectations we place ourselves. Self-compassion recognises that tomorrow is another day and everything is not urgent. Self-compassion gives you a break when you need it and being clear to others that you are not available to assist them now.
Seek support: As a coach I know that even when women leaders are genius at what they do, they struggle with self-doubt and fall into the cycle of overwork and perfectionism. These issues are best addressed through coaching and peer support rather than academic training.
Systemic change: Unless we advocate for change in policies and practices in our families, communities, workplaces and the broader society, change will never happen. It may be unfair to expect women to drive systemic change, but experience has shown that women can influence positive change if they are in leadership positions. This is a good start. It is also incumbent on men to be partners on this journey at all levels. For example, instead of saying they are babysitting, fathers should understand that they have an equal parental responsibility.
Shireen Motara is an African Feminist and Women’s Leadership Coach. She is the Founder CEO of Tara Transform and The Next Chapter Studio.
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