Understanding childhood lies: essential insights every parent must know

Lying is one of those tricky parenting challenges most families face at some point.

It is perfectly normal to worry if your child comes home and insists they finished their homework when you know they didn’t, or when your teenager swears they were "just at a friend’s house" and the story doesn’t add up.

But take comfort in knowing you are not alone in facing these issues; most parents encounter similar situations. It can leave you wondering: Is this just normal childhood behaviour, or something I should be worried about?

The truth is, lying is a natural part of child development. Research published in Child Development shows that most children start experimenting with lies around ages 3 to 4, as their imagination, self-control, and social awareness grow.

Far from being a sign of moral failure, lying shows that children are beginning to understand that their thoughts and actions can differ from what others know.

As children grow, the nature of their lies also evolves. Younger children might lie to avoid trouble or test boundaries, while older children, especially teenagers, might lie to assert independence or navigate complex social dynamics.

The way parents respond, however, can shape whether lying becomes a passing phase or a habit.

Why kids lie

According to the Child Mind Institute, children lie for more reasons than just “getting out of trouble.” Some of the most common include:

• To test boundaries. Young kids often lie simply because they’ve discovered the concept. It’s like experimenting: What happens if I say this instead of that?
• To boost self-esteem. A child who feels insecure may exaggerate stories, “I scored 10 goals at soccer today,” to look impressive or feel more valued.
• To manage emotions. Children struggling with anxiety or depression might lie to downplay their feelings or avoid attention, saying things like, “I’m fine, I slept great,” when they didn’t.
• Because of impulsivity. Kids with ADHD often blurt out answers without thinking, which can sound dishonest even if there was no bad intention.
• White lies and social skills. Sometimes children pick up on the “polite lie” adults use to spare someone’s feelings. This shows they’re learning social rules, even if the timing isn’t always right.

How parents can respond to lying

Not all lies are equal, and parenting experts agree that your response should depend on the function and severity of the lie.

Level 1: Small, attention-seeking lies

If a child invents a fantastical story that doesn’t hurt anyone, experts from Tribeca Therapy recommend ignoring it rather than giving it extra attention. Redirect the conversation toward reality without harshly calling them a liar. This is especially important if the lie is rooted in low self-esteem.

Level 2: Exaggerated “tall tales”

When kids stretch the truth too far, parents can gently label it. A simple, calm response, such as, “That sounds like a tall tale. Why don’t you try again and tell me what really happened?” helps children learn to differentiate between fantasy and truth.

Level 3: Serious lies

For older children lying about homework, whereabouts, or behaviour, consequences are necessary. Experts recommend making the punishment short-term and directly connected to the lie.

For example, if a child lies about not having homework, they should complete all of it and face a reasonable consequence like losing screen time. If the lie covers up harmful behaviour such as hurting another child, parents can pair the consequence with making amends, like writing an apology.

How to prevent lying in the first place

1. Reduce the fear factor: Let kids know they’ll be in less trouble if they tell the truth. Praise honesty when it happens. According to the American Academy of Pediatrics, children are more likely to be truthful when they trust that their mistakes won’t bring disproportionate punishment.
2. Offer a “truth check”: If you suspect dishonesty, walk away and return a few minutes later. Give them a chance to rethink their answer without immediate pressure. This technique works especially well for children who lie out of fear of disappointing their parents.
3. Use the “preamble method”: As suggested by Psychology Today, begin difficult conversations with reassurance: “I love you no matter what. You might tell me something I don’t want to hear, but it doesn’t change who you are.” This reminder lowers defences and makes honesty easier.
4. Don’t set them up to fail: If you already know the truth, don’t corner your child with a yes-or-no question. Instead of asking, “Did you do your homework?” say, “I know it isn’t finished, let’s talk about why.”

What parents should avoid

• Don’t label your child a liar: Name-calling damages trust and self-worth, making it harder for them to be truthful in the future.
• Don’t overreact: Extreme punishments can push children into lying more to protect themselves.
• Don’t dismiss all lies the same way: Understanding why your child lied is as important as addressing the lie.