When good intentions backfire: 7 ways parents undermine their child's self-esteem

We all want our children to feel worthy, capable and loved. Still, as parents, even when we try our best, there are little things we do often without realising it that can slowly wear down a child’s self-esteem.

I’ve been there, the tired sigh, the quick comparison, the praise that sounds kind but sends the wrong message.

These are glimpses of our shared human experience as parents, where even the best of intentions can lead to misguided actions.

It's important to recognise that we all falter sometimes, and that's okay. This isn’t about blame. It’s about noticing what’s happening so we can make a change.

Here are seven ways loving parents may unintentionally damage self-esteem, and what current child-development research helps us do instead

Praising results instead of effort

When you say, “You’re so smart!” after a good grade, it feels like encouragement. But experts say that praising fixed traits like “smart” or “talented” can make kids feel they always have to look good.

One study in 2017 found that children praised for ability were more likely to cheat than those praised for effort or performance.

A better way is to notice effort, curiosity, and persistence.

Saying, "I saw how hard you worked on that problem," helps your child focus on growth instead of worrying about failing. You could also say, "I'm impressed by how you kept trying different ways to solve that," or "Your curiosity about how things work is amazing to see."

Giving these kinds of praise reinforces a growth mindset and nurtures resilience.

Making love seem conditional

Have you ever acted more loving when your child behaves or succeeds and less warm when they don’t? There’s a name for that: parental conditional regard.

Research published by BioMed Central shows a strong link between conditional parental love and insecure self-esteem among teenagers.

Children who feel love is “earned” tend to judge themselves harshly and are less kind to themselves.

A better approach is to show that your love isn’t a reward; it’s always there. You can correct behaviours, but your affection doesn’t depend on your child being perfect.

Criticism instead of compassionate feedback

We often believe that tough criticism will motivate. But from a child’s viewpoint, criticism without validation can feel like “I’m always failing”, rather than “I can learn and grow”.  Child psychologists say that frequent dismissals of a child’s feelings or achievements can leave them feeling unvalued. 

Start with listening. Ask questions: “How did you feel about that?” Then give feedback gently. Encourage reflection rather than shame.

Micromanaging rather than letting them lead

Allow your child to try, even to mess up. When we swoop in with corrections, redo their work, or constantly tell them what to do, we deny them the chance to believe in their own judgement. Overcontrol overrides opportunities for autonomy, which is essential for self-esteem.

Let them take small risks: plan a snack, clean a room their way, solve a puzzle without help. Step back, but stay ready if they need you.

Ignoring emotional rhythms, routines, and structure

Emotional well-being is built on patterns that feel safe. Studies show that when children have consistent bedtime routines and regular sleep schedules, they are better at managing emotions and behaviour.

A recent Penn State study found that six-year-olds with stable bedtimes handled frustration, cooperation, and stress much better than those with erratic bedtimes.

Another study published by "Science Daily" on early childhood shows bedtime routines also support language development, attachment, and family functioning, beyond just better sleep.

Better approach: Build small rituals (reading, talking, quiet time) around routines. Be consistent. Predictability helps children feel safe.

Expecting emotional maturity too soon

When a child melts down, is shy, or lashes out, it’s tempting to expect them to “get over it”, “be strong”, or “act like I did at their age”. But their brains are still under construction. They don’t have our experience, self-control, or vocabulary for what’s inside them.

Accept their emotions as real. Label what they feel (“I see you’re upset”, “That must feel scary”). Help them work through disappointment rather than suppress it.

Letting “shortcuts” steal the moment

Sometimes, in fatigue or stress, we use shortcuts: quick criticism, a comparison (“Why can’t you be more like...” ), or expectations shaped by our own childhoods. These moments are easily forgotten or at least buried, but they add up. They send children a message: I’m not enough.

Better approach: When you catch yourself there, pause. Reflect: “Where is this coming from, my own fear, my upbringing, worry, exhaustion?” Apologise if needed. Small acts of repair teach humility and safety.

Self-esteem isn’t fluff. It shapes how children handle setbacks, how brave they are in school, and how kind they are to themselves. 

We don’t have infinite chances. The earlier we notice and adjust, the smaller the damage. And even if children are older, repairing these patterns fosters more trust, more openness, more self-kindness.

It’s reassuring to know that positive change is always possible, even if mistakes were made in the past.