What intimacy really means, and why we often miss it

I’ve been thinking about intimacy and what it means in relationships. My most intimate interactions have been with people I’ve loved but not necessarily with my primary partner. These interactions have not been sexual in any way. I often wonder what that says about me.

Intimacy is a fundamental human need because it's deeply connected to our psychological and emotional well-being. At its core, intimacy is about feeling seen, known, and accepted by another person.

It's the sense of being vulnerable with someone and trusting that they will respond with empathy and care. This need for deep connection is essential for our mental health. It provides a sense of belonging, security, and validation that can't be found in superficial relationships.

Without intimacy, people often feel lonely, isolated, and disconnected, even when we’re surrounded by others, especially in a marriage that seems to have moved away from it.

The good news is that intimacy can absolutely be restored in a marriage, but it takes time, effort, and a shared commitment from both partners. It's a process of rebuilding trust and creating new habits of connection.

Restoring intimacy involves focusing on three key areas: emotional, physical, and shared intimacy. All three are interconnected and essential for a strong bond.

Emotional Intimacy

Emotional intimacy is the foundation of a healthy relationship. It's about feeling safe enough to share your true self, including your fears, hopes, and vulnerabilities. I know too many couples who hide their true selves from their partner for fear of losing them. The bad news is that in the end … you’ll lose them anyway.

If you want to recover or propagate intimacy, you need to:

• Practice Active Listening: Instead of just waiting for your turn to talk, truly listen to your partner. Put your phone away, make eye contact, and ask follow-up questions to show you're engaged. When they talk about their day, listen to the feelings behind their words.
• Share Your Feelings: Make a conscious effort to share how you're feeling, not just what you're doing. Instead of saying, "I had a busy day at work," you might say, "I felt a bit overwhelmed at work today, but I'm happy to be home with you." This creates an opportunity for your partner to connect with you emotionally.
• Create "No-Distraction" Time: Schedule short, dedicated times each day or week to simply talk without the television, phones, or kids around. This could be 15 minutes before bed or a nightly walk. Did I mention NO phones.

Physical Intimacy

Physical intimacy goes far beyond sex. It's about all forms of touch that reinforce your bond and show affection.

• Focus on Non-Sexual Touch: Simple gestures like holding hands while watching TV, giving a hug for no reason, or putting an arm around your partner's shoulder can rebuild a sense of closeness. These small acts of physical connection release oxytocin, the "bonding hormone," which helps you feel closer and more secure. Do read the room. Don’t try to have an intimate snuggle when they’re in full agitated flight.
• Communicate Desires and Needs: If you're not on the same page physically, it can create a lot of distance. Have an open and honest conversation about what you each need and what makes you feel close and desired. This is a vulnerable but necessary step.
• Explore New Forms of Touch: Try giving each other a foot or back massage or simply cuddling on the couch. Focusing on touch without the pressure of sex can help you both reconnect on a deeper level. If you have a discussion first to confirm that sex is off the table and will not happen, and then stick to your word, things will go a lot smoother. Women don’t really trust you when you say there is no sex on the agenda.

Intellectual & Shared Intimacy

This is about creating a sense of "us" by exploring and experiencing things together. It's about having a shared life, not just two parallel ones. I am extremely good at living a parallel life.

Those of you who know me know that my partner of over 20 years and I do not live in the same house. It’s very easy to be so wrapped up in my own life that I often forget about us. The following tips can help, but you have to work at it.

• Share a New Hobby: Pick a hobby or activity you can both learn and enjoy together, such as cooking, hiking, or painting. We’re thinking of learning how to make cheese. This creates new memories and gives you a common goal to work toward.
• Talk About Dreams and Goals: Reconnect by talking about your personal and professional dreams. Ask your partner what they're passionate about and share your own goals. I wonder what he’s going to say when I share that I want to learn how to DJ so I can rock the retirement village when I get there. This shows that you're invested in their future and that you see your lives as intertwined.
• Read Together: Choose a book, watch a documentary or listen to a podcast and discuss it afterwards. This can spark new conversations and give insight into how your partner thinks and feels about new topics. My partner is much better at his than I am. He always has something interesting to share with me when I see him.

Restoring intimacy is a journey, not a destination.

It will have its challenges, but by focusing on these three areas with patience and a willingness to be vulnerable, you can begin to rebuild the deep, meaningful connection you both desire.