Swipe right for sex? Whatever happened to saying no?

Someone recently asked me how I come up with a new topic every week. The truth is simple; I write about what’s happening around me. Sometimes it’s something I overhear, something in the news, or a conversation that sparks a thought I can’t shake off.

This week’s inspiration came from a group of women chatting over coffee. The topic? How little effort some men put into sex and how hard it is for women to say “no.”

It struck me that in the age of swipe left and swipe right, casual sex has become almost transactional. The invitation “Can I pop round for a drink?” seems to have evolved into a not-so-subtle “Can I pop round for sex?” And many women, afraid they’ll never have sex again or be seen as “too difficult,” go along with it.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I’ve always supported women being sexually liberated and enjoying sex on their own terms. But lately, I’ve been wondering if the pendulum has swung a little too far.

To understand better, I decided to explore the world of dating apps, the new playground of modern intimacy.

Apparently, there are a few golden rules when texting potential matches: no personal details, no deep questions and keep things light. That’s because, let’s face it, there are plenty of charming-but-questionable characters out there.

The opening line is usually something like, “We’ve been matched, want to chat?” Then comes the profile check. The photos might be real... or not. A friend of mine deliberately uses an unflattering picture on her profile. Her logic? If she can get past the looks-based filtering, she’ll be a pleasant surprise in person, a clever case of under-promise, over-deliver.

Once the chatting starts, a few things quickly become clear. First, spelling and grammar have apparently gone out the window. I’m not saying you need to be Shakespeare but knowing the difference between their and there shouldn’t be too much to ask.

Then, before you know it, the conversation turns sexual. And suddenly, you have a decision to make, how dirty are you willing to get?

If you’re only after some flirtatious fun and have no intention of meeting in person, then by all means, enjoy the verbal sparring. I’d even suggest borrowing a few lines from well-written erotica. It’s safer and far more imaginative.

As a side note, Erotica is really difficult to write.

But if you’re hoping for a real connection or a possible relationship, be careful.

How you chat sets the tone for what follows. If you start off sounding like a sex goddess, don’t be surprised if that’s exactly what’s expected when you meet.

This brings me to something more serious: consent.

We throw that word around a lot, but what does it actually mean in today’s dating culture?

Consent is not silence. It’s not hesitation. And it’s definitely not agreeing to sex just to get it over with.

One woman I overheard even said, “It would be easier to have sex with him if he just took me out for dinner first.” Have our standards dropped so low that we trade intimacy for convenience?

A male friend of mine recently told me, “If sex happens too quickly, I start worrying about what’s wrong. But if it takes too long, I lose interest. It’s all about balance.”

His words might sound flippant, but they capture the confusion perfectly. Where is the balance between genuine connection and instant gratification?

Maybe the real question is this: have we become so lonely, so desperate for connection, that sex has become the only language we know how to speak?

I’d love to know what you think. What’s the “right” date for sex, the first, the third, or the tenth? Has consent become blurred in a world of DMs and emojis?

Email me your thoughts, men and women alike at sharon@lolamontez.co.za.

Let’s talk about it. Because the conversation about sex, consent and connection is one we all need to keep having.