Advice: Divorce is painful for both parties

There is widespread belief that the increase in divorce rates is due to the moral decay in societal values. Something that many fail to consider is that the higher rate of divorces may actually be due to increased awareness of mental health, women being more financially independent, evolving beliefs about self care and more awareness on the impact of unhappy marriages on children.

The impact of divorce on the couple:

Many assume that the person who wants the divorce feels happy about their decision. While there might be feelings of liberation when exiting an unhappy marriage, the reality is that even the person who requests the divorce experiences emotional distress.

While it may seem to the other partner that the spouse ‘just threw in the towel’, in my experience of working with couples and individuals, it often comes after several attempts to make things work, or one finally realising that the partner is not prepared to make the necessary changes (for example, getting help for addictions, violent behaviour, increasing trust, or learning healthier communication).

The partner on the receiving end of the divorce also experiences emotional distress, which is expressed according to their coping styles. Those with healthier coping skills may seek the necessary support.

However, most do not, which may lead to avoiding the emotions (either by substances or over-working to distract themselves), aggressive or passive aggressive behaviours (aimed at ‘teaching the ex a lesson’). Unfortunately, this has negative consequences for all parties. Essentially both parties experience grief at the ‘death’ of the marriage.

Impact of divorce on children:

If both parents are committed to ensuring the best interests of the children, the adjustment may be slightly easier. The emotional maturity of parents will determine how children cope. It is natural for children to experience emotional distress, which may be expressed by tearfulness, attachment anxiety, sleep difficulties, withdrawal, school refusal or physical symptoms.

When parents take care of their own mental health, they are better equipped to support the child. Unfortunately, the reality is that many children are used as pawns and suffer at the expense of parents who want to teach the other parent a lesson.

Impact of divorce on extended family:

This will depend on the dynamics of the family. Parents and grandparents may naturally feel sadness at the breakdown of a family unit. Extended family can play a supportive role, but it’s natural for them to take strain due to the changing dynamics and the personal impact on them (e.g. needing to provide financial or emotional support).

Coping with divorce:

The end of a marriage can bring about feelings of grief for both parties. The grief is not merely because of the ‘death of the marriage’ but also because of the ‘death’ of the future they envisaged as a couple and family. Anxiety about the unknown future is common. Guilt is another common emotion.

This may arise when one might be made to feel selfish about their decision and impact on the kids. It is important to allow yourself to mourn the marriage. Seek support from those in your life who want the best for you. At times professional support may be helpful. Recognise that how you cope will impact your child’s adjustment. Be kind to yourself by remembering why this decision was necessary in the first place.

While it is the responsibility of both partners to contribute to a healthy marriage and home, the reality is that in some cases, one or both are unwilling. We need to remember that children normalise what they grow up witnessing, and often make similar choices in their future.

Rakhi Beekrum is a counselling psychologist in Durban North with more than 14 years’ experience in individual and couples therapy. Her expert advice has been featured in print and digital media, on radio and television. She uses her social media platforms to spread mental health awareness and to reduce the stigma.

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